im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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