When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
