This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
