i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
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I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.