hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home