smell my finger.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
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After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
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oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.