I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?