I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I checked into jail on foursquare
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
