So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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