No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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