i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
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Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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