I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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