I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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