but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.