The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
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this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
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You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
50% drunk capacity currently
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this