Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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