There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
