Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
