you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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