Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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