The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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