I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
