someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
