I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
