dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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