Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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