I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
