She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
