last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
