I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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