Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
