Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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