i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.