shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this boner is exhausting
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
