I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
