yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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