im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
