Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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