he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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