my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
