Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize