I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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