You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i came on her dog
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
