come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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