So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
