Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want to be your penis for a week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
