Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
