I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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