I'm laying in your front yard are you home
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
