Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
