be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
