You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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