Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
