i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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