I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
