somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
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That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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