Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
