those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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