Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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