In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
