I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
