Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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