I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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